1. One Winter's Afternoon, After A
Snow-Storm, He Prepares to Shovel The Drive and Front Walkway
She said, "Isn't it just beautiful
out there? Look at the icicles
hanging from the limbs and power lines!"
He said, "I hate snow. I hate
the cold. I hate shoveling."
She said, "It makes me miss Alaska."
He said, "You miss Alaska? Why did we move here then?"
She said, "To be closer to where YOU
work."
He said, "So, you're saying you
would go back there?"
She said, "Look at that view.
Doesn't it make you homesick for Alaska, even a little bit?"
He said, "You're nuts.
You know that, don't you?"
She said, "I'm nuts? You're the one wearing a knit cap with a
pom-pom on top."
He said, "Hey, it does the
job."
She said, "And makes a bold fashion
statement in the process."
He said, "So now I should shovel
snow AND make a fashion statement?"
She said, "I'm just saying. . . ."
He said, "If you wanted a man
who could make a fashion statement, you should've married Tim Gunn."
She said, "Tim Gunn's not into women."
(long pause)
He said, "Tim Gunn is gay?"
2. Early One Morning, He Enters The
Kitchen Where She Is Making Coffee and Feeding The Cat
He said, "Hey, did the cat just drop a
turd in the litterbox downstairs?"
She said, "I think he must have. Smells
like it."
He said, "Oh, good. I thought that
was my breath."
3. After She Brings A New Kitten Home
He said, "What's that?"
She said, "A cat."
He said, "I mean, whose cat is that?"
She said, "It belongs to Beau."
He said, "You got a cat for the cat?"
She said, "Yes. He's been
very lonely since the old cat died."
He said, "Oh for God's sake. He's
not lonely. He's a cat. He eats and sleeps and craps."
She said, "He is distraught with grief. And lonely. Even a blind man
could see that."
He said, "He doesn't even remember the
other cat. He's a cat. A cat only has about three brain
cells."
She said, "One to remember me, one
to remember the old cat, and one to remember the new little cat."
He said, "Hey, what happened to one for
remembering me?"
She said, "You're the one with the
mad math skills. If you wanted him to think of you, you should have given him four brain cells."
He said, "So now it's my fault that he's
dumb?"
She said, "Oh look! He's licking
the little cat. He likes the
little cat!"
He said, "He's probably just cleaning him
up good before he kills and eats him."
4. They Approach, Again, the Subject of
Valentines Day Gifts
He said, "Hey, check this out: it says here that
you can buy your sweetheart a star for Valentine's Day. Only $49.99.
And they'll give you a chart and a deed to it."
She said, "That's crazy-talk.
They can't sell a star. They can't sell something they don't own."
He said, "I'm just telling you what the ad
says."
She said, "Tell me you didn't
buy one."
He said, "I didn't buy one."
She said, "Good."
He said, "But you have to admit, getting a
star would a lot better than getting chocolates. Or flowers."
She said, "Since when?
With my luck, five minutes after they sent me the deed, the damned thing would
explode and fling hot gas and debris towards the earth and the force of that
explosion would send the earth careening towards a black hole and the force of
that would pull the planet nearly in two and people would die horribly.
And then the few survivors left will make sure everyone knows it was MY star
that killed off half the human population. I don't want to be remembered
like that."
He said, "Where do you come up with this
stuff?"
She said, "Hey, I've read the
Book of Revelations. It's biblical."
He said, "So, are you saying you'd rather
have flowers and chocolates like everyone else?"
She said, "Tell you what.
Forget stars and outer space and the cosmos and, for once, just do the stuff normal people do on Valentine's
Day."
(pause)
He said, "So, does this mean you want me
to return the star?"
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