Saturday, December 8, 2012

HE SAID/SHE SAID: A Love Story (Reposted from Deep Dixie))

1.  One Winter's Afternoon, After A Snow-Storm, He Prepares to Shovel The Drive and Front Walkway            
 She said, "Isn't it just beautiful out there?  Look at the icicles hanging from the limbs and power lines!" 
   He said, "I hate snow.  I hate the cold.  I hate shoveling."
 She said, "It makes me miss Alaska."
   He said, "You miss Alaska?  Why did we move here then?"
 She said, "To be closer to where YOU work."
   He said, "So, you're saying you would go back there?"
 She said, "Look at that view.  Doesn't it make you homesick for Alaska, even a little bit?"
   He said,  "You're nuts.  You know that, don't you?"
 She said, "I'm nuts?  You're the one wearing a knit cap with a pom-pom on top."
   He said, "Hey, it does the job."
 She said, "And makes a bold fashion statement in the process."
   He said, "So now I should shovel snow AND make a fashion statement?"
 She said, "I'm just saying. . . ."
    He said, "If you wanted a man who could make a fashion statement, you should've married Tim Gunn."
 She said, "Tim Gunn's not into women."
 (long pause)
    He said, "Tim Gunn is gay?"

2.  Early One Morning, He Enters The Kitchen Where She Is Making Coffee and Feeding The Cat
 He said, "Hey, did the cat just drop a turd in the litterbox downstairs?"
   She said, "I think he must have.  Smells like it."
 He said, "Oh, good.  I thought that was my breath."

3.  After She Brings A New Kitten Home
 He said, "What's that?"
   She said, "A cat."
 He said, "I mean, whose cat is that?" 
   She said, "It belongs to Beau."
 He said, "You got a cat for the cat?" 
   She said, "Yes.  He's been very lonely since the old cat died."
 He said, "Oh for God's sake.  He's not lonely.  He's a cat.  He eats and sleeps and craps."
   She said, "He is distraught with grief.  And lonely.  Even a blind man could see that."
 He said, "He doesn't even remember the other cat.  He's a cat.  A cat only has about three brain cells."
   She said, "One to remember me, one to remember the old cat, and one to remember the new little cat."
 He said, "Hey, what happened to one for remembering me?"
   She said, "You're the one with the mad math skills. If you wanted him to think of you, you should have given him four brain cells."
 He said, "So now it's my fault that he's dumb?" 
   She said, "Oh look! He's licking the little cat.  He likes the little cat!"
 He said, "He's probably just cleaning him up good before he kills and eats him."

4.  They Approach, Again, the Subject of Valentines Day Gifts
 He said, "Hey, check this out:  it says here that you can buy your sweetheart a star for Valentine's Day.  Only $49.99.  And they'll give you a chart and a deed to it."
   She said, "That's crazy-talk.  They can't sell a star.  They can't sell something they don't own."
 He said, "I'm just telling you what the ad says."
    She said, "Tell me you didn't buy one."
 He said, "I didn't buy one."
    She said, "Good."
 He said, "But you have to admit, getting a star would a lot better than getting chocolates. Or flowers."
    She said, "Since when?  With my luck, five minutes after they sent me the deed, the damned thing would explode and fling hot gas and debris towards the earth and the force of that explosion would send the earth careening towards a black hole and the force of that would pull the planet nearly in two and people would die horribly.  And then the few survivors left will make sure everyone knows it was MY star that killed off  half the human population. I don't want to be remembered like that."
 He said, "Where do you come up with this stuff?"
    She said, "Hey, I've read the Book of Revelations. It's biblical."
 He said, "So, are you saying you'd rather have flowers and chocolates like everyone else?"
    She said, "Tell you what.  Forget stars and outer space and the cosmos and, for once, just do the stuff normal people do on Valentine's Day."
 He said, "So, does this mean you want me to return the star?"